<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cCan a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she bore?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n ~~Isaiah 49:15a, NIV<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0Twenty-seven years is a long time to keep a secret.\u00a0 My husband, James, was the only other person who knew the real story\u2014my Christmas story of legacy and faith.\u00a0 So, when my youngest was 18, I knew the day had come, at last, to tell my four children what I had kept to myself for all those years.\u00a0 I had stood guard over my heart and its contents of long ago, partly out of guilt and partly out of fear of how they would react.<\/p>\n So, after dinner that December 25th<\/sup>, I said that I needed to talk to them.\u00a0 \u201cPlease, just listen until I\u2019m completely finished,\u201d I said.\u00a0 We were all around the dining room table, pumpkin pie half eaten.<\/p>\n I took a deep breath and allowed my mind to drift back to a time of great pain.\u00a0 \u201cAs you know, your sister Faith died 27 years ago today,\u201d I started.\u00a0 \u201cBut, what I\u2019m about to share with you is the part of the story you don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cYou see, from the time your father and I got married, my plan was to have just one child.\u00a0 Growing up with three brothers and four sisters was not easy for me, and I always felt as if there was never enough love or attention to go around.\u00a0 I really didn\u2019t think it was possible to love more than one child, at least in the proper way.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen Faith died in my arms that Christmas Day, I was sure that God could not be any crueler.\u00a0 My only child was gone. \u00a0Not only that, but He had chosen to take her on Christmas.\u00a0 After getting over the initial shock of losing my beloved little girl, my heart hardened. \u00a0I refused to have any more children, because I didn\u2019t think I could possibly love another the way I loved her.\u00a0 She was my world, and I was sure I would die from the pain.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course your father missed Faith desperately, too. \u00a0But, he handled it differently than I did.\u00a0 After a few months, he was ready to fill the void and have another baby.\u00a0 I was still furious with God, and I refused to even consider what your father wanted.\u00a0 To my dismay, I soon found myself pregnant anyway. For the next nine months, I was consumed with anger and resentment.\u00a0 No one knew how depressed I was about the coming baby except your father.\u00a0 I put on a very-believable face of being thrilled about our expanding family.\u00a0 I even told people about how God had healed our broken hearts and sent us a new gift.\u00a0 But when it was just your father and me at home, I was a different person.\u00a0 I continually let him know that I was not happy about being pregnant and that he was to blame.\u00a0 I thank God that he loved me and stayed beside me through all of my ugliness.\u00a0 And believe me, that was no small feat on his part.\u201d<\/p>\n I smiled at James and then looked at my oldest.\u00a0 Of course, James had forgiven me a long time ago.\u00a0 But, I was only beginning down this road with my daughter.\u00a0 When her eyes met mine, she got up from her chair and turned her back to me.\u00a0 I looked away; the guilt was suffocating me.\u00a0 I had to hurry on\u2014she needed to hear the good part that was coming.\u00a0 Please, sweetie, hold on<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cThe baby was due on January 6th<\/sup>, and I dreaded going through a third Christmas without my precious Faith.\u00a0 There were no decorations in the house, and we made no plans to celebrate the holiday.<\/p>\n \u201cOn Christmas morning, I woke up in labor.\u00a0 \u2018This is not funny, God,\u2019 I thought.\u00a0 \u2018How could You?\u00a0 This is my day of mourning.\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t even let me have that<\/em>?\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cBut babies will come into this world when they want to, not when we think they should.\u00a0 Heather was born at 11:30 that Christmas morning.\u201d<\/p>\n I heard all four kids suck their breath in.\u00a0 Only the oldest said something.\u00a0 \u201cHeather?\u201d\u00a0 She sounded like she did as a little girl.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have to look to see that there were tears in her eyes.\u00a0 I was sure she was twisting her hair around her left index finger by now, too.<\/p>\n How could I get through this?\u00a0 \u201cWait,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cPlease, just let me finish.\u00a0 It will all make sense, I promise.\u201d\u00a0 I took another deep breath, hoping I wasn\u2019t going to pass out before I got everything said.<\/p>\n \u201cHeather looked just like Faith did as a newborn.\u00a0 Even in my state of anger and confusion, I recognized the innocent beauty that babies have.\u00a0 I had to consciously make sure I didn\u2019t let love for her come into my heart.\u00a0 How dare I even think about loving this baby!\u00a0 She might\u2019ve looked like Faith, but she wasn\u2019t Faith.\u00a0 I was not going to let her take the place of my firstborn.<\/p>\n \u201cYour father, of course, was completely in love from the moment he laid eyes on her.\u00a0 He sat in the hospital room, holding her and talking to her.\u00a0 I rolled over in bed and tried to sleep through the pain.<\/p>\n \u201cI couldn\u2019t understand how God could allow this baby\u2014a girl, too\u2014to be born on the very day that my Faith was taken from me.\u00a0 And, for this new one to look so much like the daughter who should\u2019ve been my one and only child.\u00a0 It just didn\u2019t seem fair.\u00a0 At about midnight, I walked down the hall to the nursery and stole a peek at baby Heather through the glass.\u00a0 She was perfect.\u00a0 She was swaddled tightly in a pink hospital blanket.\u00a0 A teddy bear with a ribbon announcing It\u2019s a Girl!<\/em> lay beside her.\u00a0 I retreated to my room to cry before they could ask if I wanted to hold her.<\/p>\n \u201cThen, sometime in the early morning, the nurse came in for me to feed the baby.\u00a0 \u2018No,\u2019 I said, \u2018I\u2019m not going to nurse her.\u2019\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if she didn\u2019t hear me or if she ignored me.\u00a0 Either way, before I knew what was happening she had placed the baby in my arms and had opened my gown for me.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 Hurt and anger and guilt burned deep inside of me, like one big hairball.\u00a0 I felt desperate for the nurse to take her away from my breast.\u00a0 But before I could say anything in protest, Heather had latched on and was drawing her sustenance from the mother who had carried her for nine months.\u201d<\/p>\n In spite of myself, I <\/em>was drawn to glance at my daughter.\u00a0 She was now facing me with her mouth hanging open.\u00a0 Her brow was creased in deep wrinkles, and her eyes focused on my face.\u00a0 I continued on, \u201cAt that moment, I can\u2019t quite explain to you how my insides felt.\u00a0 I grew hot all over, so much so that I had to kick the covers off.\u00a0 I started sobbing, and I felt all the anger and hurt rush away as if they were never there.\u00a0 Love, more powerful than I thought possible in those last three years, filled me for this innocent baby who was lying and suckling so peacefully.\u201d<\/p>\n When I finished my story, I looked at my beautiful oldest daughter.\u00a0 \u201cHappy 24th<\/sup> birthday, Shiloh.\u00a0 That overwhelming love for you has never wavered from that moment.\u00a0 You are my Christmas miracle in so many ways.\u201d<\/p>\n Shiloh was crying now, but she didn\u2019t move from her spot.\u00a0 \u201cBut, I don\u2019t understand, Mama.\u00a0 Who is Heather?\u00a0 Did we have another sister?\u00a0 Wait, I thought I was born on that Christmas Day.\u201d\u00a0 She sat down then, and put her head in her hands.\u00a0 The other three kids just stared.<\/p>\n I wanted so badly to take her into my arms right then.\u00a0 But, I was also excited to get to this part of my story.\u00a0 \u201cWell, after that sweet, little baby won my heart over, I changed the birth certificate.\u00a0 One thing I had done throughout my miserable nine months was study the meaning of names.\u00a0 I was so angry with God that I searched for a name that would have no biblical connection.\u00a0 Heather, albeit a nice name, seemed like a safe choice for my criteria.\u00a0 But, now I had to change it.\u00a0 I had to find a name that would fit how this baby had come into my life.\u00a0 Your name, Shiloh, \u2018means peace, abundance, a gift from God.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, Mama,\u201d she said as she embraced me.\u00a0 We stayed like that for a while, lost in the moment I had envisioned for so many years.\u00a0 The fear of how she would react was gone.\u00a0 I held my grown daughter, and it almost felt as if I was holding her in my arms as a newborn 24 years ago.<\/p>\n I looked at my other three children.\u00a0 \u201cSo, you see\u2014each one of you was given to your dad and me out of God\u2019s great love and compassion.\u00a0 If Faith wouldn\u2019t have been taken on that Christmas Day 27 years ago, there wouldn\u2019t be a Shiloh or a Luke or a Samuel or a Sarah for us to love and care for.\u00a0 The Lord had to break through my hard head and bitter heart.\u00a0 He healed me because He wanted all of you here, in our family.\u00a0 To think that I almost gave away my chance to love all of you overwhelms me and has brought me to my knees many times over these years.\u00a0 I thank God every single day that He stepped in.\u201d<\/p>\n So, that is my<\/em> Christmas story, my miracle from God.\u00a0 It is a story of a baby who left her legacy of faith to us through her short life on this earth in much the same way that Jesus came for all of us.\u00a0 God\u2019s kindness and grace never ceases to amaze me.\u00a0 He did not allow me to forget the baby at my breast or ignore the compassion for the infant I bore.\u00a0 I do not go through a Christmas season without being in awe of how He sent His only<\/em> Son to die for me and for all of mankind because of His great love for us.<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a92012 All rights reserved – Tammy Maseberg<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cCan a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she bore?\u201d ~~Isaiah 49:15a, NIV \u00a0Twenty-seven years is a long time to keep a secret.\u00a0 My husband, James, was the only other person who knew the real story\u2014my Christmas story of legacy and faith.\u00a0 So, when my youngest was 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